Halloween Special: The Top Ten 'Tales from the Crypt' Episodes

Hello boils and ghouls. We have now officially entered the one month that horror devotees, like myself, live for. That's right, October is here, and Halloween draws closer with each passing day. In honor of that momentous occasion, I have taken it upon myself to prepare five horror related features for your reading pleasure. A new one will be posted every Sunday in October. So whether you plan to go out trick or treating, attend a holiday-related shindig, spend the night watching your favorite scary movies, or even dress up like Miley Cyrus from the VMAs and attempt to twerk in public, anyone who loves this most unique of holidays should find something to enjoy on TVR this month.

With the intro out of the way, this week's subject is a franchise near and dear to the black hearts of horror lovers everywhere, 'Tales from the Crypt.' Hosted by the delightfully dry witted 'Cryptkeeper,' the series ran for seven seasons and 93 episodes, and was one of HBO's first major self-produced hits. Told in the classic anthology style of series like 'The Twilight Zone,' but with a gore and sex-filled twist, 'Crypt' brought audiences a new standalone tale of the macabre with every installment. The question I am here today to answer is simple: Which episodes are the ten best? Read on to find out.

Disclaimer: As with any top whatever list, the choices presented below are purely my opinion. I invite you fine folks to offer your own lists in the comments.

#10 - 'What's Cookin' - S04E06 - 7/22/92 - Writer: A.L. Katz - Director: Gilbert Adler

'What's Cookin' is a charming little story about two down on their luck restaurateurs (Bess Armstrong and the late Christopher Reeve) that find it incredibly difficult to get their eatery off the ground. That probably has something to do with the place only serving squid, but that's beside the point. Their luck changes when a mysterious drifter named Gaston (Judd Nelson) begins working at the establishment. Following a threatening conversation between the couple and their landlord, Gaston takes matters into his own hands. It isn't long before he introduces the owners to his special new steak recipe, one that the customers just love. Hint: it ain't made of cow.

While Nelson is great here as Gaston (as is Meat Loaf in a cameo as the landlord), the real stars here are Reeve and Armstrong. The two come off very believably as husband and wife, and seem just desperate enough to accept their new employee's hideous proposition. It's definitely bittersweet to see a Reeve performance from only a few short years before his accident though. He never ceased imbuing his characters with an affable charm and likability, and was always a pleasure to watch.

#9 - 'People Who Live in Brass Hearses' - S05E05 - 10/13/93
Writer: Scott Nimerfro - Director: Russell Mulcahy

'Brass Hearses' stars the always entertaining Bill Paxton as a small time crook out for revenge. You see, it was the testimony of a kindly ice cream man that sent Paxton's character to the slammer for an extended stay, and he's none too happy about the whole thing. His unwilling accomplice is his younger brother, played by the incomparable Brad Dourif. Together, the two brothers set out on a mission to make the unassuming small businessman pay, only to end up in way, way over their heads.

There was no way I could do this list, and not include this episode. For one, it's the only time that two of my all-time favorite actors (Paxton and Dourif) have worked together. For two, 'Hearses' does an excellent job at balancing the gallows humor the series is known for with a pronounced mean streak that makes itself evident on several occasions. Michael Lerner is also a treat as the seemingly ordinary ice cream man that just be might more dangerous than his ex-convict adversary.

#8 - 'Fitting Punishment' - S02E12 - 6/19/90
Writer: Jonathan David Kahn - Director: Jack Sholder

'Fitting Punishment' is your classic tale of a rotten old bastard getting what he deserves. The episode begins with the man's now orphaned teenage nephew Bobby coming to live with him. Ezra sees Bobby as a burden, and could not possibly care less about the boy's well being. He puts him to work doing manual labor around the house. The problem being that the house in question is a funeral home, and Ezra is the huckster mortician that owns the place. When Bobby doesn't live up to his standards, Ezra beats him so bad that he ends up paralyzed. Now that the young man has no practical use, Ezra sees no reason to keep him around. And come to think of it, he does have that one extra coffin...

'Crypt's modus operandi was usually to spin a sort of twisted morality yarn, so it naturally featured many completely irredeemable characters. It really says something that Ezra might just be the most sadistic, despicable S.O.B. in the entire seven year run. He steals from dead bodies. He cheaps out on every possible funeral expense he can. He beats his nephew with a crow bar. He curses he own dead sister for giving birth to Bobby. He kills the kid. Then somehow manages to top even that. By the end, when its time for some ghostly revenge, you'll be cheering for Ezra to meet his maker.

#7 - 'Top Billing' - S03E05 - 6/26/91 - Writer: Myles Berkowitz - Director: Todd Holland

'Top Billing' is the most outright comedic entry on this list, and stars Jon Lovitz as a struggling actor trying to get by in New York City. He goes to audition after audition, seemingly does well, but is always told that he doesn't have "the look." One guy who does have the look is a handsome rival actor, played by Bruce Boxleitner. After Bruce's character goes out to his way to steal another of Lovitz's parts, the latter decides to remove his nemesis from the running, by any means necessary. Needless to say, Lovitz gets the part, but really, really ends up wishing he hadn't. Alas, poor Lovitz.

Unlike the twists in the previous three episodes, which all become pretty obvious fairly early on, I'm going out of my way not to reveal the ending here. There are clues to pick up on along the way, but I can honestly say that I had no idea where the plot was heading. One funny thing about this episode is that even when Lovitz's character is supposed to be acting well, he really isn't that good. To this day, I'm not sure if that was intentional, or if the man just can't act believably intimidating. I'm honestly leaning toward the latter. Well, at least we get John Astin hamming it up in a supporting role.

#6 - 'Death of Some Salesmen' - S05E01 - 10/2/93
Writer: A.L. Katz - Director: Gilbert Adler

'Some Salesmen' features Ed Begley Jr. as one of the sleaziest salesman every committed to film. He lies, he cheats, he swindles old ladies, he treats women like toys, etc. Thankfully, Judd Campbell exists in a 'Tales from the Crypt' plot, and his luck is about to run out. When Judd attempts to pull his usual con game on another backwoods couple, he soon finds own his life on the auction block. The Bracketts don't take too kindly to salesmen (as evidenced by one's decapitated head), and give Judd a truly awful choice: die or marry their daughter. The problem is that their daughter is one of the most hideous women in the history of television. In fact, she almost looks like Tim Curry in drag...

While Begley does great here as the slimy salesman, the real stars of the show are the legendary Curry (playing a triple role as Ma, Pa, and Winona Brackett) and the terrific make-up FX that transform the actor into his three distinct characters. Winona Brackett especially is a work of morbid art, with the designers going out of their way to make her absolutely repulsive. When it came time for "her" sex scene with Judd, I could feel my lunch beginning to lurch upward. It truly is a fate worse than death.