Weekly Fang Girls: Allyson & Kelly’s ‘The Vampire Diaries’ Bite

Hello, and welcome, to our very first suck-ulent weekly feature surrounding one of our favorite vamp-tastic shows: ‘The Vampire Diaries’! We can’t get enough of vampire shows involving insanely attractive people, and can you really blame us?

So, if you’re a ‘TVD’ fan and are obsessed with the bloody good show, then be sure to join us weekly, where we’ll not only provide a roundup of every episode, but also break down what each Mystic Falls character is up to. Like, why can’t Jeremy be shirtless in every episode? Or, are all vampires/werewolves/hybrids/witches beautiful creatures?

Sit back, relax, and get your vervain and blood bags ready for our weekly ‘TVD’ installment. Warning: spoilers follow, so if you have yet to tune into this week’s episode, the Season 5 premiere titled "I Know What You Did Last Summer," get running like a vampire’s hunting you.

Elena:
-How did Elena spend her summer? Oh, ya know, getting hot and heavy with Damon. She’s one lucky girl.
-As an official college student, Elena and her roomie/bff Caroline are getting adjusted, which shouldn’t be too hard in that obnoxiously huge dorm room. Who really has that big of a room with their very own bathroom? No one.
-Rather than studying and not being able to get into frat parties (hello, vamps have to be invited in!), Elena will be worrying about her other roommate aka Megan (who’s now dead) -- she had a picture of Elena’s dad. What?

Damon:
-When he wasn’t busy getting it on with Elena (or having Jeremy awkwardly walk in on their makeout sessions), Damon was busy playing “father” to Jer, while Elena’s at college. Can he take care of me one day?
-He still doesn’t know Stefan is trapped underwater (let’s hope he can pull a Houdini soon), but Damon eventually caught on after Silas popped up as Stefan or a doppleganger or a shadow self or whatever you want to call it. Hurry up and save Stefan, Damon! We need our favorite vamp brother duo back ASAP!

Stefan:
-Poor Stefan had a very limited role to play this episode. Repeatedly drowning to death looks like the least fun way to spend a summer, amirite?
-Apparently he’s been hallucinating conversations with Damon during his repetitive bouts of being waterlogged, who suggests that he should just turn off his humanity to rid himself from all the misery. Stefan refuses to give in though, proving that even in a locked container full of water, he still knows how to brood with the best of them.
-Anyone else get chills when Elena appeared in Stefan's final hallucination, just when he was about to give up? There may be hope for these two crazy kids yet.

Caroline:
-Caroline and Elena clanking two blood bags together for a celebratory toast as roommates = adorable.
-Caroline is still heavily shipping Elena and Stefan, but keeps telling Elena not to call him until she's ready to get back together. I totally get that advice, but what's exactly stopping Caroline from calling him? Aren't they like best friends? HE NEEDS YOUR HELP!
-Caroline proves that she'd make a terrible actual college roommate by snooping through the new girl's things and complaining about how much space she’s taking up. She even drank some of Megan's "protein water," which turned out to be filled with vervain. You know what they say about curiosity.

Jeremy:
-For those who were worried about Jeremy’s biceps disappearing, don’t be. They’re still there and bigger than ever. Hallelujah!
-You know, it’s pretty sad that Jer has to take the fall for Elena burning down their house and that he also has to convince the school he got back into drugs, yada, yada, yada, to cover up for his deadness.
-Oh, and don’t worry, Jeremy didn’t catch a break in this episode. While attempting to hide Katherine from Silas, she wrecked Jer’s car and basically almost killed him. The poor kid!

Bonnie:
-So what did Bonnie do this summer? She stayed dead. Oh, and she had Jeremy send fake postcards to her dad to convince him she’s traveling all over the world. If that’s not tough enough, Jeremy’s also been sending emails to Caroline and Elena via ghost Bonnie.
-Even as a ghost, Bonnie had a rough episode. Yes, she had to see her friends start college without her, BUT she also had to watch Silas kill her father in front of the Mystic Falls community. If we know Bonnie, and I think we do, she’ll definitely get her revenge on Silas.

Matt:
-So what was Matt up to this summer? Oh you know, just having a threesome with Rebekah and some Nadia chic they met in Prague! So happy to see this guy getting some much needed…er….we'll call it R&R.
-Not only is this Nadia into threesomes, but she's a bit of a klepto as well and stole Jeremy's ring from Matt during their little romp in the sheets. Not cool, new girl. Not cool.
-Did anyone else freak out when that man placed some kind of dark spell on Matt, making him collapse to the ground? Could Matt be this season's big bad? And if so, does this mean no more threesomes?

Tyler:
-Tyler is pretty much MIA the entire episode, which upsets me for many reasons because 1.) This whole voicemail-relationship thing definitely doesn't earn you points in the boyfriend department and 2.) If he's shirtless (which he should be), I'm unable to see it. Get your butt to college you sexy werewolf!
-He's off helping some werewolf pack in the Appalachian Mountains and decides to tell Caroline (again via voicemail) that he's deferring from school for the time being. Is Tyler the only werewolf capable of helping other werewolves? I don't understand. Your sexy vamp girlfriend needs your abs you in her life! As do we.

Katherine:
-The only thing better than Katherine being human is Katherine being a human hot mess. Seriously, that hair was out of control. Someone get this girl a comb!
-Seeing her vulnerable and asking for Damon's protection was a nice change up from the cold, calculating woman we've come to know. Her heels have blisters, Damon! Someone introduce this girl to a pair of sneakers.
-Gotta give the girl props for still being able to defend herself by taking a razor blade to Silas' face when he attempted to kill her. (Though, who still uses an actual razor blade these days? Where's her Venus?)
-I get that she didn't want to be taken back to Silas, but that is no excuse to put Jeremy's life is danger by crashing the car. THINK ABOUT THE BICEPS!

Silas:
-Silas, Silas, Silas. You’re one evil dude, and I kinda like it, BUT only because Paul Wesley is responsible for bringing you to life. How good is Wesley at being bad? He’s absolutely brilliant.
-Now that Klaus is busy being evil in New Orleans (imagine me saying that with my wicked Big Easy accent), Silas is taking over. He tried to kill Katherine and got Damon to do what he asked (bring Katherine to him, even though that went terribly wrong). One question: What does Silas want with Katherine?
-Not only did Silas kill Bonnie’s father (anyone else starting to think the mayor position is cursed?), but he also consumed enough blood to give him mind control over most of the Mystical Falls residents. For right now, he wants to use them to find Katherine, but I have a feeling things are going to get bloodier than ever before.

Be sure to come back next week for another installment of 'Weekly Fang Girls,' and definitely don't miss 'The Vampire Diaries' every Thursday at 8/7c on The CW.

-Written by Allyson Koerner (Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Bonnie, Silas) and Kelly Schremph (Stefan, Caroline, Matt, Tyler, Katherine)