Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Dude, I'm on to something big.
Gus: Tailing cops? In a police station?
Shawn: Some monumentally-expensive ring just got stolen. I'm gonna get us on the case.
Gus: We just got a case five minutes ago.
Shawn: Yeah, a lame one. Stolen computers from a high school? Come on, like you weren't falling asleep during that meeting.
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Karen: Solve the case I gave you. Then we'll talk. In the meantime, I've a lot of work to complete.
(Shawn very briefly looks through the folder as Karen starts to walk away)
Shawn: It's the secretary.
Karen: Pardon?
Shawn: It's the secretary. The secretary did it.
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Shawn: I feel it. In the ink. It's very bad vibes, strong, squid-ish vibes.
|
Shawn: You're the sister of the groom. And the maid of honor. And the wedding planner?
Lacey: Correct.
Shawn: That is so many hats!
Lacey: You should see my closet.
Shawn: I am hoping to.
|
Lassiter: Shall we?
Shawn: Sure.
(Lassiter leads Shawn out of the room)
Shawn: If this is some sort of hazing ritual where we’re gonna end up naked in a river somewhere, I’ll need to arrange for a ride home.
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Lassiter: Listen to me, Spencer. The department's reputation is on the line with this one. If I catch you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I can find at you.
Shawn: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don't you think?
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Gus: (on the phone) I'll call you back later, Shawn.
Shawn: No, no, you can't! I left my cell phone in your car yesterday...along with a tuna sandwich. I seriously hope you found that.
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Juliet: Is this your only lead?
Lassiter: His responses to my interrogation were hostile at best.
Juliet: Clarify "hostile."
Lassiter: Use my tone now as a guide.
|
Shawn: I'm sensing work troubles. Here, let me read your palm.
Juliet: How about just one finger?
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Shawn: I know things. Things about rings.
Juliet: Oh, I thought you were here for a wedding?
Shawn: I am...ish.
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Gus: So, now I have a cat?
Shawn: An orange tabby. Last Christmas, you made her a tiny Santa hat. It was adorable.
Gus: Fantastic, I can’t even have a make-believe boy cat.
Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn’t serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name, though I’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
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Gus: Interpol?
Shawn: That's right, missing ring division. I believe I was recruited out of North Africa when I was fifteen.
Gus: You could have at least used a British accent.
Shawn: (with an accent) Oh, please, Gus. I started with a British accent and then seamlessly slipped (losing the accent) into my fake American one. Bobby gave me some pointers. Apparently, you Americans say "howdy" a lot.
(a girl walks by)
Shawn: Howdy.
|
Shawn: I made a list of suspects after attending Lassiter's briefing.
Gus: He let you in his briefing?
Shawn: He does when you're in the air shaft.
|
Dylan: (to Gus) So, you're a psychic, too?
Gus: Well...
Shawn: Gus here is a safe expert. Yes, he subscribes to the, uh...Safe Cracker, uh, Safe Cracking...comic book.
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Shawn: Isn't it kind of weird how the body is just shoved in here?
Gus: No, what's weird is there's a dead guy in a dumbwaiter, and we're standing here staring at it waiting for somebody to find us!
|
(Lassiter reaches into his coat for his gun)
Juliet: (referring to Shawn) You're not going to shoot him are you?
Lassiter: I haven't decided.
|
Shawn: Are you gonna have some cookies?
Gus: No!
Shawn: Do you wanna finish my banana?
Gus: I wanna leave.
|
Shawn: You're really mad?
Gus: We have less than twelve hours to solve the case, and you're throwing a kegger in a police officer's room. Why would I be mad?
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Shawn: (to Gus, referring to the drunken guests) I have found that they're particularly forthcoming with information while in this state. For example, I've eliminated every suspect here. Although, there is a guy stealing cable and another refilling his minibar bottles with shampoo, but I don't think these are gateway crimes to a jewelry heist.
|
Gus: (angrily) You left me in there!
Shawn: Yes, I did, and you're very welcome.
Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!
Shawn: What do you mean? Like an impersonator?
Gus: No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!
|
Gus: All we've done is eliminate suspects. We're back where we started!
Shawn: Oh, Gus, we're fine. We've got the whole wedding ceremony tomorrow to solve the case.
Gus: Oh, oh, OK. So, we can do what an entire police force can't in two hours?
Shawn: Hmm, OK, you're right. (pauses to think) We should totally get there half an hour early.
|
Lacey: The bouquets still aren't here. Might as well not even have the ceremony.
Shawn: OK, you, relax. Breathe, think happy thoughts, like puffy clouds, mac and cheese, Lou Diamond Phillips.
|
Gus: Nice suit. Where'd you get that from?
Shawn: Gus, don't underestimate me or my wardrobe.
Gus: (finds and grabs the hidden price tag) Then you might wanna remo—
Shawn: Ooh, don't pull that out! Don't! Don't, don't, don't.
|
Shawn: (referring to Lacey) I can see you plotting! I can see you plotting right there at the dinner table! But Dad, Dad throws a curve ball. (pauses) Nope, it was a slider.
|
Shawn: It looked like you just straightened it out, put it right back. But you never did, did you? No, Lacey, because you have magic hands...which I was really looking forward to on Friday.
|
Shawn: Then show us your bouquet, Lacey.
(Lacey takes off running)
Shawn: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! She's running? In those heels, really?
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(Gus catches Lacey's bouquet)
Shawn: Dude, you're next.
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Lassiter: (referring to Shawn) Is this the man?
Bellman: No?
Lassiter: This guy was not in my room?
Bellman: I've never seen him before.
Shawn: You got a room? Why? We should have a party!
Lassiter: (to Shawn) Get out of my sight.
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Gus: You are not gonna be my best man.
Shawn: You bet your ass I am. I've already picked out which song I'm singing at the alter.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: You still like Ted Nugent?
(Gus starts to walk away)
Shawn: Remind me to show you your vows. They're gonna make you cry. Gus!
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