Lassiter: Where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn: I was robbing the stereo shop. (laughs) I wasn't. I don't know. I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing, not solving crime.
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Shawn: I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: Oh, he had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?
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Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.
Shawn: The inside of what?
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Lassiter: You have a criminal record.
Shawn: I was eighteen.
Lassiter: Oh, eighteen? Well, that makes it OK. Let me just scratch this out.
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Shawn: (about the car he stole as a teenager) There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father. He was trying to teach me a lesson.
Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so sure.
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Lassiter: Well, pardon me if I'm just a little skeptical, believable as it is that you solved all these crimes while—I'm sorry, what was it?—watching the local Channel 8 news reports.
Shawn: I confess. That's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.
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Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.
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Lassiter: Officer Allen, book him!
Shawn: Book him? Oh, come on. Cuffs? What, for the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda: Or you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: OK. OK, fine. You win. I got the information because...I'm psychic.
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Shawn: I have a job for you.
Gus: I already have a job.
Shawn: They're paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on. Left hand space bar, right hand arrow keys. Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.
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Shawn: I have a job for you.
Gus: I already have a job.
Shawn: They're paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on. Left hand space bar, right hand arrow keys. Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.
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Shawn: I've got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: Shawn, you've had 57 jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: (proudly) Yes, I have, and they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh, yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn't realize experience was necessary.
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Shawn: You and I are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh. See? No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat. (turns back to his computer)
Shawn: But you're not getting your coat.
Gus: Uh, no. No, Shawn, I'm not.
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Shawn: No one has seen him or the dog since.
Gus: They took the dog?
Shawn: You see what I mean? I need you. I need you to write stuff down, 'cause you know how I zone out when other people talk.
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Gus: How should we introduce ourselves? Don't say "psychic." They'll shut you off. Say something vague, like "alternative tactics division."
Shawn: How about "the bureau of magic and spell casting"?
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(Shawn is going through the McCallum's dumpster)
Shawn: Oh, my God!
Gus: What?
(Shawn pulls something out of the trash)
Shawn: This CD case is totally nice! Why would someone throw this out? (gives it to Gus) Here, put this in the car.
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(Gus is breathing deeply)
Shawn: What are you, Lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.
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(Gus takes out some pills)
Shawn: What are those for?
Gus: It's for anxiety.
Shawn: Is it ethical to sample your own samples?
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(Shawn has accidentally had the sketch artist draw Katarina's boyfriend, much to everyone's horror)
Shawn: No, I'm sorry. Bill is not the kidnapper, not the kidnapper. Bill is just a horrible human being. Who is Bill? I'm getting multiple women? Is he a bigamist? Pimp? Does he sell children on the black market?
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Gus: How did you get in?
Shawn: (holds up a fake rock with his key inside) Far less effective on a second floor landing.
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Shawn: This is a great plan! Camden McCallum deserves to be commended.
Gus: (sarcastically) Maybe you should date him, too.
Shawn: Maybe I will.
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(Shawn wants Gus to practice acting surprised with him)
Shawn: This is mine. (fakes surprise) What do you got?
(Gus tosses the binoculars to Shawn and walks away)
Shawn: Gus, that's horrible! It doesn't convey surprise at all. Gus!
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Shawn: Detective! (dramatically) Don't eat the chicken.
Gus: Don't eat the chicken?
(Lassiter and Lucinda enter the restaurant)
Lucinda: He's got your number.
Lassiter: He's got nothing. (to the waitress) I'll have the chicken enchilada. Extra chicken.
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Shawn: (to Gus) Just make sure you act in awe of me when they come to say I was completely right. Oh, and maybe a little afraid, like my powers could possibly be used for evil.
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(after seeing the dead bodies)
Gus: (calmly) Pardon me, ladies, gentlemen. (runs screaming out the door)
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Gus: Make no mistake, Shawn. I will kill you.
Shawn: OK, I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up, but I think our last scuffle proves otherwise.
Gus: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn: Yes, you do remember!
Gus: OK, first of all, I was six. And, I had a cast!
Shawn: Which many would construe as a clear advantage. It's like having a weapon attached to your arm.
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Lucinda: You know everything, don't you?
Shawn: (sighs) Yeah. It's scary, isn't it?
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Lassiter: I'm not gonna just let you waltz around like some kid in a candy store.
Shawn: Let me be honest with you, detective. I used to work in a candy store, and it's nothing like this.
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Henry: When I was in the department, there were two things I hated in this world, private investigators and psychics. Congratulations, kid. You just hit the disappointment exacta.
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Shawn: (referring to the binoculars) What is the magnification on these things?
Gus: 2X.
Shawn: OK, we need to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.
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Gus: It was her! You're dating a murderer.
Shawn: Not exclusively.
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(Shawn and Gus run off with Katarina's bag and back to their car)
Shawn: Gus, you locked the car?
Gus: It's a bad neighborhood!
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Shawn: Go buy the bag.
Gus: What, you want a souvenir of your ineptitude?
Shawn: I need to get a better look inside the bag.
Gus: I'm not going in there. That guy wants to kill us.
Shawn: Gus, this guy works in a thrift store, OK? He's a big furry-hearted good Samaritan.
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Thrift Store Guy: I've gone to jail for less than you.
Gus: Jail's no fun. I'll tell you that much.
Thrift Store Guy: Oh, you've been.
Gus: Once. In Monopoly.
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Shawn: (placing money in the bag) So, we've got five stacks going across. You figure four going longways. Ten stacks in each pile based on the wear and the indentation. I don't know, depending on the denomination, this could easily be five million dollars.
Gus: You're kidding.
Shawn: Yeah, give or take.
Gus: You got that from a groove on the side?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. Any small child could have figured that out.
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Lucinda: You here to scope out the new meter maids?
Shawn: Nope, I am here to see you.
Lucinda: Not interested.
Shawn: I know. You have someone special. He's married and/or separated.
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Shawn: (picking up a gun) Wow, they're so much lighter when they're filled with water.
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Gus: Shawn, we need to go.
Shawn: Not yet.
Gus: I'm about to throw up on a Turkish carpet.
Shawn: No, you're not.
Gus: It's in my esophagus!
Shawn: Second door on the left. Turn on the fan, and flush.
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(after Shawn identifies the killer "psychically")
Lassiter: Seriously, how?
Shawn: I wish I knew.
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Gus: You named your fake detective agency, "Psych"? Why didn't you just call it, "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department. Hope we don't make a mistake and someone dies because of it"?
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long. It would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are!
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Gus: What's your dental plan?
Shawn: Don't get cavities.
Gus: Health plan?
Shawn: Same, but with hepatitis and shingles.
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Gus: You solved one mystery, and now you're renting office space?
Shawn: Gus, I've solved a bunch of mysteries! For instance, the mystery of who kept stealing your newspaper. Answer: me! The mystery of what we're doing this weekend. Hint: it involves dragsters.
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Australia