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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia :: The Nightman Cometh (04x13)
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Episode Information |
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| Title: | The Nightman Cometh |
| Episode #: | 04x13 |
| Production Number: | IP04008 |
| Original Airdate: | Thursday November 20th, 2008 |
| Special Runtime: | 31 Minutes |
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Episode Summary |
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In an attempt to impress the waitress, Charlie writes a musical to be performed at a local theater. The rest of the gang is recruited to star in the play, including Mac as the Nightman, Dennis as the Dayman, Dee as the coffee shop princess, and Frank as the troll. Unbeknown to them, Charlie has a special finale in mind starring himself.
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Guest Stars |
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Main Cast |
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Episode Quotes |
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Charlie: I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, OK? I wanna put it on.
Mac: Right, what's your angle?
Charlie: I don't have one.
Dee: Yeah, whose—whose face are we shoving this musical in?
Charlie: You don't shove a musical in someone's face. What are you talking about?
Mac: Right, but who versus? Who are we doing it versus?
| Charlie: (about Artemis) Uh, she also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.
| Frank: Charlie, who's playing the troll guy?
Charlie: You're gonna play the troll guy.
Frank: I'm the troll guy?
Charlie: Who else would be the troll?
Frank: Oh! I like that.
Charlie: All right, good.
Frank: Can I do it naked?
Charlie: Absolutely not. Why would you wanna be naked?
Frank: Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked. Everybody got laid all the time.
| Dee: (referring to the song) Well, why am I in love with a little boy?
Charlie: You're in love with a young man.
Dee: You wrote "boy."
Charlie: All right, well, man, boy, it's a metaphor.
Dee: Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.
| Dee: Are you goddamn kidding me?
Charlie: What?
Dee: (reading the script) "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?
Charlie: Yes...?
Dee: You're wanting me to say that I wanna make love to a little baby tiny boy.
Charlie: But I have explained this to you, Dee, that I'm talking about the spirit of this man. It's like a little boy. It's a metaphor.
Dee: You keep using that word, but I'm not convinced you know what it means.
| Dee: (to Charlie) And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later, 'cause it says that we're supposed to do that at the end of the song, and that's not gonna happen.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.
| Charlie: Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?
Dennis: Uh, well, I just don't wanna cut the song, man.
Charlie: I would like for you to take a five.
Dennis: Fi—five minutes?
Charlie: Can we have five now, please, Dee and I?
Dennis: You guys want five?
Charlie: Can I get—can you have a five over there? (raising his voice) Will you take a five, Dennis? Take a five, please!
| (Dee has convinced Charlie to cut her song)
Dee: What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?
Charlie: Uh, what's on the back, there?
Dee: It's the same—same song.
Charlie: Uh, and what's on the very, very back page?
Dee: Nothing.
Charlie: Ah, then that's what you'll be singing.
| Frank: (singing during rehearsal) You want this baby boy's hole, / You gotta pay the troll toll—
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop, stop. All right, uh ... not bad. Good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole," and it's clearly "soul"...
| Mac: Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, what in God's name are you talking—there's no rape scene.
Mac: Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.
Charlie: No, you don't rape him. You become him. You do not rape him!
| Waitress: So, OK, so you're not gonna follow me home anymore?
Charlie: Nope.
Waitress: And you're not gonna call me at three in the morning and tell me that you are in the emergency room of the hospital because you had a terrible car accident?
Charlie: Yeah, well, it's great that you came.
Waitress: Well, you listed me as your emergency contact!
Charlie: Well, yeah, because I consider you that!
| Charlie: All right, Gladys, can you head out there and get us started?
Gladys: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.
Charlie: You've been telling me that Calvin Coolidge was a friend of yours, like, all morning, and at a certain point—
Gladys: How many times?
Charlie: Like, a hundred times now.
Gladys: Oh...
Charlie: Well, at a certain point, I need you to stop telling the Calvin Coolidge story, and you need to start playing the piano—
Gladys: Shh!
Charlie: Don't shush me, OK? Now, please don't shush me.
| Dee: But one other thing, I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee: It's gonna happen.
Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face.
| Dee: (singing her own song onstage) Just to be clear, I did not write that song / And have never had sex with a child, just to be clear.
Gladys: (at the piano, confused) What—what is happening?
Dee: (singing) Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten, / And I am available to any interested men / Who'd like to get my number after the show!
Charlie: (to himself, backstage) Keep singing, bitch. You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!
| Frank: (singing onstage) You gotta pay the toll troll / If you wanna get into that boy's hole. / You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. / You want the baby boy's hole, / You gotta pay the troll toll. / You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. / Troll toll!
Dennis: What'd you say?
Frank: Troll toll!
Mac: Hey, hey, hey!
Frank: Troll toll!
| (Mac climbs into bed with Dennis as part of the musical)
Mac: Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis: No! (out of character) Dude, do you have a boner right now?
| Dennis and Dee: (singing onstage) Dayman, (ah-ah-ah) / Fighter of the Nightman, (ah-ah-ah) / Champion of the sun. (ah-ah-ah) / You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone.
| Charlie: (vocalizes and starts singing onstage) I was that little boy; that little baby boy was me. / I once was a boy, but now I am a man. / I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman; / Now I'm here to ask for your hand, / So if you want to marry, man / Will you marry me? / Will you come onstage and join me / In this thing called matrimony? / Please say yes, and do not bone me. / Please just marry me...
Waitress: Is that it?
Charlie: Uh ... huh?
Waitress: Is the play over?
Charlie: Y—yeah...
Waitress: OK, great. Well, then I'm out of here.
Charlie: Well, hang on, hang on, hang on a second. Hang on. Is it a yes, or...?
Waitress: Is it a yes? Really, Charlie? Will I marry you? No, no I will not. I will never marry you.
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Episode Notes |
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Featured Songs |
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