Phil: Lem, you ever get the feeling the ooplasm cultures are looking up at you, worshiping you like a vengeful god?
Lem: No. Cytoplasm culture sometimes, but never ooplasm.
Phil: Sometimes you are a complete stranger to me.
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Phil: Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Lem: Oh, yeah. I was trying to get the stains out.
Phil: You know, soap would work, and it wouldn't kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
Lem: But soap leaves a film.
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(as the lights go out)
Lem: It gets dark whenever you leave the room.
Phil: Ohh... how can I get mad at you when you say things like that.
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Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
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Ted: It turned out, Don was really a good guy. Linda was right. He was funny and smart. And for some reason, he could name every freshwater fish in North America. Plus he once played miniature golf with Tiger Woods.
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Phil: This is ridiculous. You have to talk to Veronica.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No, I mean you really have to.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No you won't.
Lem: Yes I might.
Phil: You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn't just delicious flavored coffee. This is your dignity we're talking about.
Lem: I have my dignity. Now will you take me to the bathroom?
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Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Diversity--just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they're just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can't eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we're committed to a multiethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us.
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Lem: This is the company's plan. We're all gonna die in here.
Bert: Yeah, we'll get the last laugh next week when everyone is wondering what that smell is.
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Veronica: I know what it's like to see the ugly face of discrimination.
Lem: You do?
Veronica: Yes, I do. When I was 16, I was 5'9" and stunning. I mean, off-the charts gorgeous. At school, I was like a swan among the ugly ducklings. all the other girls hated me. And like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me. If it wasn't for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys, I don't know if I would have made it.
Phil: Wow. I had no idea.
Veronica: No, how could you? You're still not 5'9".
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Veronica: My door is always open to you. Please, close it on the way out.
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Veronica: Okay, they realize it didn't work. Although there's a lot of fighting upstairs about whether it was the idea or the execution.
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Veronica: The good news is, I'm told they fixed it.
Lem: Really?
Veronica: Yes. You won, nice work. You can walk away tall.
Lem: Thank you. I just...
Veronica: Walk... away. Tall.
Ted: I think she's telling you to walk away. But tall.
Lem: Oh, right. Go Veridian!
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Veronica: Well, I’m different than other women, Ted, and by different, I mean “better.”
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Phil: When you stand up for yourself, you get things done. I learned that the first time I sent back undercooked chicken at a restaurant. Sure, I ended up paying for two chickens...
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Lem: Can you believe this?
Bert: I know, isn't it great? We all get our own free white guy.
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(turning down sex)
Veronica: If we did this, it would be fun. I mean, it always is with me. I'm not bragging, it just is.
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Ted: Listen, you're not, uh, you know...
Veronica: What, Ted? Embarrassed? Upset? Disappointed? Itchy? Hungry? Earning twice your salary? Don't worry, I'm not any of those things. Maybe a little hungry. Plus, the salary thing.
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Veronica: "Money before people," that's the company motto. Engraved on the lobby floor. It just looks more heroic in Latin.
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Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And... we don't have the parking for that.
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Veronica: Here, I bought you some briefs. The boxers you were wearing didn't highlight your assets. Penis-ly speaking.
Ted: Thank you.
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