Ted: The implications for weight loss are enormous. And while elective brain surgery doesn't test that great, it still tests better than dieting and exercise.
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Lem: I always thought Veronica lived here.
Phil: Me, too. You know, she just finds a comfortable chair and powers down for the night.
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Phil: Besides, Ted could bring us a lot of street crud.
Lem: It's street cred. You know, "credibility"?
Phil: Oh... now that finally makes sense.
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Veronica: Don't be silly. Let's talk. Would you like some wine?
Linda: I would like a whole bunch of wine, yes.
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Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.
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Lem: Bosses and employees just shouldn't hang out. It's like a ventriloquist trying to be friends with his dummy. At the end of the day, you know who's sleeping in a suitcase.
Phil: The dummy.
Ted: All right, I was the one who pushed for us to hang out, so I should endure this. I mean suffer through... I mean support you. Because that's what friends do.
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Veronica: My grandfather... I never liked him. He smelled of onions and once cheated on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt, who hated men but loved onions.
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Gil: I declare Ted the victor, and Victor the loser.
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Phil: Medieval Fight Night two nights in a row? Man, my codpiece just got tighter.
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Linda: I don't know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.
Lem: I have to start drinking. I like those odds.
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Veronica: I'll take you to breakfast--somewhere where the meals don't end with the word "slam."
Linda: I don't know. I've got a lot of work to do on the Doppler Project.
Veronica: You're with the boss. Relax. Besides, I can give the Doppler Project to Joe.
Linda: Really? Because I do hate the Doppler Project.
Veronica: And I hate Joe. So everybody wins.
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Gil: Ted, in order to advance to Squire, there is but one knave standing in your way.
Phil: I propose a mutual surrender.
Gil: Valiant try, you giant ball of wuss.
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Veronica: I once slept with my boyfriend's therapist to find out if he was cheating with me. He wasn't.
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Veronica: And then I accused Omar Sharif of being a terrorist so he'd get kicked off a plane and I could take his first-class seat.
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Francis Groth: I don't think so, fellas. I'm done with Medieval Fight Club. I have a girlfriend now.
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Veronica: Linda, I feel like you've been wanting to get our relationship back to the way it was.
Linda: What gave you that idea--the fact that you shrunk my cubicle into a hobbit hole?
Veronica: Now let's not get into "who shrunk whose office" or "who canceled whose dental plan."
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Ted: I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.
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Linda: There's a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads.
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